So, it's 8 days to my surgery.... and I had myself a little (ok, maybe not so little) cry today. I do NOT cry pretty either..... but honestly, does anyone? How can blotchy, drippy, runny and sniffly be considered pretty? Not really sure what the cry was totally about.... maybe the onset of my period, maybe the sad movie I was watching, maybe anxiety about everything going on right now, the healthy respect I have for the magnitude of the surgery, or possibly the little voice in the back of my head that tells me I suck at family or that I am likely to continue to fail.
I've been trying my damnedest to make the liquid protein meal replacements tolerable. I add coffee, ice cubes, various flavours of Crystal Light to the chocolate and vanilla powder. I am biding my time until I'm on full fluid the second day after surgery so that I can have cream of wheat...
Do you ever sit and contemplate previous decisions? Do you go over and over them in your mind and wonder "am I doing the right thing" or "am I just being stubborn and selfish"? I can't help myself sometimes wondering if I'm depriving my girls by turning away from my family. I tell myself that those people aren't healthy for me, lord knows that Big Daddy has been telling me this for decades now. I think he had made up his mind about them back when we were in our very early 20's after a particularly nasty incident between my father and I. Big Daddy decided he was not leaving me alone and at risk, so he bunked down for the night on the sofa in my room (it was a very big room) and made sure I was safe. To this day, no matter if we are disagreeing or not, he always has that passionate protective thing, and it makes me feel safe. I have the same protective feeling towards my girls. No one, and I do mean no one messes with my girls unless they want to deal with my momma lion side.
So in further preparation for the changes to come I cut my hair....short. I need it easy to deal with post op because I'll have far more important things to have to. Plus if the predicted hair loss happens I would hope it would be easier managed with short hair than long (ok, and less noticeable for the little bit of vanity I will confess to).
16 wanted to hit the Tommy Hilfiger outlet store on Saturday. I actually bought a polo shirt dress. It's a bit snug, but I'm hoping that it will be less tight for next week's trip to Toronto. Of course the one 16 purchased looks sooo much better on her and her beautiful figure. I thought I'd wear it while we spend the day before surgery in downtown Toronto and at our beautiful hotel that my good friend Detective D has booked us into. She's going to keep an eye out on the girls until Big Daddy gets back the day after my surgery.
My father in law has been going through some health issues as of late. It worries me because I hate the thought of potentially loosing yet another father. He has had a few medical procedures, suffers almost constant pain and has continuous infections. Many people, when they meet my father in law or have known him, often see his stern, logical, ex military side. I admit, I often find him daunting myself, but I've seen another side of him. When I was in the hospital, and having a particularly bad day, he was there. He held me and let me cry, silently comforting me in that strong "dad" way. He does lots of little things that he doesn't have to do, but he just does. I'm not ready to part with him anytime soon. It's kind of funny how some people become important and necessary parts of our lives, even if it's just the little things.... maybe the little things are what count the most.
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